Aurora

Here Today ...Gone Tomorrow !!

2011-09-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, when I would have gone a long way in life,
One day, I may, recall Today.

I would smile at my trials to sound intelligent,
"As if it was so necessary, silly me", I'd say to myself.
I would hate the way I snapped back at people and thought highly about myself
"So shallow, so false", I'll smirk.
I would reminisce about the times I spent dreaming of rose blooms
And inhale deeply trying to smell the magic,
Wishing it to be lingering still, somewhere in the corner of my minds.
I would mull over the chats and the pretty laughs,
The unmindful banter and nonchalant decisions.
I would love my life, still want to rewind,
and sigh at what I left back carelessly.
I would treasure the memories, with their scent and color et all.
And would go back into my shell when I’d want to relive them.

Thank God... There's time for tomorrow...

Kite....

2011-08-21T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am torn, exhausted,
The sky is no more
The friend that it used to be,
It’s scary, it’s alien.
Hold me tight,
Lest I get flown away,
There where I don’t want to be.
Stuck on trees,
Dangling from unknown electric lines,
Chased and leered at by beings…
Why all the pain
When I can rest in your hands,
And still be loved,
And cherished
As a kite
And not merely as its memory

Here....It is Me !!

2011-04-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

Here.
There's no need to hide from anyone,
I stand erect and correct all the time.
No fears.
No hesitations.
No shames.

Here
There's no one - just me,
I run around liberated, ecstatic.
There's space.
There's love.
There's acceptance.

Here
There's nothing that is portrayed unreal,
I see things plain and simple.
Sans show offs.
Sans shallow egos.
Sans make ups.

Here
There's no need to prove myself,
I smile at my face unveiled.
Im Strong.
Im Intelligent.
Im Lovely.
Here
I am Me.

Nowhere to be found .

2011-03-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

"I know you've been wondering why I am doing this. But i have to. I have to move on.... I thought about it. Not once.. but a zillion times. It would have never worked. Never. I know you feel that i used you... and that i am the meanest person on the face of Earth to be doing this to you."

She looked out of the window, fighting the urge to hate herself.

"I was rude, I know... Cruel at times... Treated you as if you meant nothing to me... But I really liked you. And that's it. There were times when I questioned whether it was love or an honestly non platonic piece of feeling... It wasn't love for sure. Maybe it was just a wish to keep all that was mine tightly packed in a box. Whether that was necessary or not."

"Life would be the same without you. I promise. I would get up like everyday.. go to work... come back.. crib.. be my Crabby self and be happy. I promise. And you have to promise me something. Let's play God for once. Let's forget that we were together. Let's forget the first time i had seen you. Let's forget the hours that you clung on to my ears as I happily told myself that I am beautiful. I don't want to say sorry. This was what it was going to be. Both of us knew it. I knew it the very time I lost a piece of you to the sands of the ocean... Let's face it."

She looked at the cone shaped brass earring... wishing she hadn't lost its pair. She held it gingerly between her fingers.. and brought it close to her right earlobe...

"And a number of years hence, if I accidentally find you amidst the sundries in the box, I would want you to smile at me and tell me I am still beautiful. I know you'll do that for me."

Carefully placing it back into the box, she fingered her new pair of earrings... They gleamed in the evening sun that trickled into her room from the glass window to the right of the mirror. She was going to wear them tonight. Not the brass earring. She sighed.

Words of Shakespeare

2011-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

Give me my Romeo; and when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars,

And he will make the face of heaven so fine

That all the world will be in love with night

And pay no worship to the garish sun.

2011-01-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

We are all walking on the thin ice of trust. The ice is the last shimmer of hope…hope, that we all are still safe… standing firmly-footed. But there is this fear…fear of tumbling down into the chilled blue water… gasping… losing ourselves … forever.

Trust, once broken, never really comes back. A betrayed person can never trust twice with the same heart, the same fearless spirit like he/she did for the first time. There’s always a sight of the cold, blue ocean lurking behind in their thoughts…… and an overcoming sense of loss…that’s perhaps even more painful than death…

Queenie....Cont.....

2011-01-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

Flash Back....

Shruti flipped through the pages of the classic, “The Burial”. Then she closed the book and eyed the maroon hard bound cover. Running her fingers through the text on the cover, she considered whether she should read it. She had never heard of the author.

“Erin Mathew…” said a voice behind her. She turned around to find an African American woman standing there. “He ain’t a famous author but that ain’t enough a reason to keep that book back.”, she said with a smile. Shruti felt a little embarrassed and surprised to find someone reading her thoughts. “No.. uhmm. I was just..”
“Oh come on!... I’m Emily”, the woman said and extended her right hand.
“Shruti”
“That’s a lovely name I must say!” said Emily. “And that..”, she said pointing at the Shruti’s hand, “is a lovely book, Shrewti. You can trust me on that.”

***************************************************

Emily was one of the very first friends Shruti had made since she and her father had shifted base to Calcutta… and perhaps the only foreigner friend that she ever had. She was a native of Ethiopia, born and brought up in the South America… a middle aged woman, mother of two and a proud owner of a huge library that she often mentioned about. She had come to Calcutta with her group to serve at ‘Nirmal Hriday’, a home for the needy in Calcutta. After a months stint as her friends made their way back, Emily had preferred to stay back.

“For good?” she was asked.

And she had replied, “I may come back if I find another reason to live.”
Shruti never asked Emily much about her past, about why she was in India when her family was miles away in Peru. Perhaps an unsuccessful marriage, or maybe her kids had disowned her.. or maybe she just wanted to run away from her past.
Despite her altruistic nature, Emily would prefer burying herself deep in the world of books otherwise spend her time helping the needy in foster homes as a part of a Baptist mission. Some days, Emily would excuse herself from everything and go missing. On being asked where she had been, she would smile and say, “Just stepped out to breathe.” Shruti would roll her eyes when Emily uttered her favorite line, “You are the queen of your life, Shruti. Never let anyone rule you.”

******************************************************

Shruti quickly made her way into the house. Carelessly flinging the bag full of grocery into a corner of the kitchen slab, she rushed into the living room with the letter. “God knows how long it has been inside the box. Sheh! How could I not see it there? How could I!”She opened the envelope carefully, making sure she dint tear the priceless sheet of paper inside.

“Dear Shruti…” It read…

I had this weird feeling that I was getting old. One day I was coming back to my place and I realized I had forgotten how to climb the stairs. Another day, I spent hours after a shower, wondering how to button my shirt. And when one day I found I had kept my books inside the closet instead of the bookshelf, I realized it couldn’t just be old age. They say it’s a disease. But I am of another opinion. I call it Nirvana. It’s just a way you give up everything that you ever had, before you finally rest in peace. Your belongings, your habits, your identity... Everything.

I knew I had to let my Queenie know that in some time, I may be stepping out for good. All I had was your address. Hence the letter.

These girls here are very kind. They remind me of my efforts to help people at Nirmal Hriday. Albeit, it’s weird to realize that I had never envisaged myself, lying in one of these beds one day.

They asked me a few days ago what I would want t do before I die a cerebral death. I told them I want to write to two people – to you and to my daughter, Queenie. And I told them that when I die, I wish to be cremated, and not put inside a coffin. In the so called happy half of my life, Shruti, I have lived inside a box. I know I won’t find peace lying inside one, albeit dead.

I’d love it if you could come and meet me once. I have no idea for how long my brain can fight senility. But if I smile and call you Queenie, you’ll know I’ve not stepped out yet.

Shruti folded the paper and felt the envelope. She could not tell whether it were her tears or the shock that blurred her sight. Inside her mind, were a thousand questions gyrating in a maddening rhythm.

“Emm…” She mumbled.

Her mobile phone rang, whirring on top of the dining table. She stared at it, not being able to move… and watched it ring till the tone died down and gave way to a deafening silence.
******************************************************

Queenie..!!

2011-01-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

As she parked her car along the usual slot, Shruti could hear her phone ringing from inside her purse.

“That must be Ravi...”

Her husband had flown to Bangalore the previous day to attend a meeting and hadn’t telephoned yet. She was asked not to call on his cell till 7 in the evening. And he had promised he would call her once the meeting got over.
It was dark already and her sleek black mobile phone had apparently hidden itself under the piles of papers and sundry she usually stuffed her bag with.

“Damn…”

After a few more seconds, the ring tone died down and all she could hear was the humming of the car engine.
She knew he’ll try again. Probably after a few minutes. He would know she missed the call searching frantically for the phone inside her bag. That was how it always had been. Shruti smiled to herself.

She got out of the car grabbing the bag of grocery she had picked up on her way back. As she walked towards her home, she eyes fell on the letter box hanging on the wall right next to the door. It was there on that wall ever since they had shifted to their independent villa. Seven years, two kids and two dogs after their marriage, the wooden box had shriveled and given up on the moist laden Augusts . This would perhaps be the last monsoon it would witness.

It was then that something caught her attention. She could see the corner of a paper from the gap which was left for letter to be put into. Perhaps as invitation, or some notice… or just an ad. showcasing a sale in some random store. She would never be interested. Forget it. Nevertheless, she walked towards the letter box and opened the small window and took it out.

It was a letter. From the stamp she could make out it travelled over seas to reach her. On the cover was written in cursive writing…

To,
Shruti Sharma
C-9/13
Behind Chopra Palace
North Extension
Pune

Shruti frowned. Who would send a her letter in the age of E mails? She flipped it and read what was written at its back.

I found you, Queenie….. with a familiar inverted curve under the phrase and two dots under that. Her heart missed a beat as she blinked in disbelief. “Emily!!!!”
She almost shrieked. After eleven years, Emily had ultimately found her Queenie.. as she lovingly called her.

To be continued...

2011-01-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Some birds fall down before their time,
Some flowers dry up before sunshine,
Some tears are stolen,
Some smiles are mine.

==========================================================================

Favorite

2010-11-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

हम तो बचपन में भी अकेले थे
सिर्फ़ दिल की गली में खेले थे

एक तरफ़ मोर्चे थे पलकों के
एक तरफ़ आँसूओं के रेले थे

थीं सजी हसरतें दूकानों पर
ज़िन्दगी के अजीब मेले थे

आज ज़ेहन-ओ-दिल भूखों मरते हैं
उन दिनों फ़ाके भी हमने झेले थे

ख़ुदकुशी क्या ग़मों का हल बनती
मौत के अपने भी सौ झमेले थे

By: JAVED AKHTAR

!!!!!!

2010-11-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

Do boond umeed ki
Zindagi udhaar ki

Gungunate pal ne dikhaya
Dhoop chaav ka aangan
Pehli baarish aur woh pehli chot
Jaada nahi bas maangte hai
Packet bhar khushiyo ki fauz

Thand si dhoop
Chilchilati sardi
Rahein hai khuli khuli
Aur mausum ne li karwatein

Appraisal ka tension
Workload ka burden
Rishtedaron ka waar
Fursat se bhare
lamhon ka hai ab intezaar

Kuch sacchi si baatein
Kuch random se shabd
Ye maine likhe hain
Main bhi hu stabdh

2010-10-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, when i would have gone a long way in life,
One day, I may, recall Today.

I would smile at my trials to sound intelligent,
"As if it was so necessary, silly me", I'd say to myself.
I would hate the way I snapped back at people and thought highly about myself
"So shallow, so false", I'll smirk.
I would reminisce about the times i spent dreaming of rose blooms
And inhale deeply trying to smell the magic,
Wishing it to be lingering still, somewhere in the corner of my minds.
I would mull over the chats and the pretty laughs,
The unmindful banter and nonchalant decisions.
I would love my life, still want to rewind,
and sigh at what i left back carelessly.
I would treasure the memories, with their scent and color et al.
And would go back into my shell when I want to relive them.

Thank God... There's time for tomorrow...

Color

2010-10-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

Too often the only thing you see is everything you can't.
I can't decide whether I dread those days or miss them.

2010-10-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

Gamo ki rehguzar par jab ashko ne bhi sath naa diya

Toh hum chal pare akele hi manzil ki talash mein

Aankh ki kor par boond maano latak kar reh gayi

Aur dheere dheere halat ki aandhi ne usey bhi sokh liya..

Noise all the way !!

2010-10-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

Some people think I react unnecessary on small things , some people misunderstood me and some say I "SHOWOFF" too much...

Now what should I do in this matter ..This is the way I am !!!

If only I could describe the awkward state of mind I am in...

Of what is right and wrong for me, I was so sure… I don’t remember quite clearly when I lost my confidence in my decisions... my choices... Of doing something believing THIS is what it should be, albeit, later I might feel I could have done better at that. At least I used to be happy about the fact that at any point of time; I knew what I was doing. And why I was doing it.
Quite unlike what I am today… or should I say what I am in…

Haze. White and pure. Translucent and torturous. I blink at my future, which slyly smiles and dares me act. I wait patiently for the enigma to unfold.

Quagmire. Of unending doubts and confusion. Am too scared to tread the wrong path... too scared of facing dire repercussions. I don’t think I have the mettle to handle that anymore.

Stringed to fate. I pity at myself for my act of submission… to wait for the right time, to wait for the right thing to happen. To wait for anything to happen.

Envious. Of those who know what they are doing; they are all around me, moving on like automatons; with me standing at sidelines, searching for a hint to my life unknown.

Silent. Amidst the clash of rights and wrongs, amidst the din of my own thoughts.

Lost.

Because I don’t know whether the wait is worth it…

Because I don’t know what I am waiting for…

If only...

Life at another wing !!

2010-10-01T21:43:00.001-07:00

A new day with new beginning.The sun is mildly shining after morning's drizzling rain.

Ami is jolted from her sleep as a bus on the nearby road screeches to halt loudly.All of a sudden, the air fills with shrill sounds of a few vehicles honking and their drivers cursing and hollering on top of their voices.

Ami's mother yelled at her. Taking a deep breath she opens her tired eyes. The early morning sky is beautifully blue with a bit of white clouds here and there. From the corner of her eyes she can see brilliant red and yellow streams of light pouring from between a huge pink fluffy cloud. It resembles a candy she saw a man selling on the streets yesterday. She smiles vaguely.

She sits up rubbing her eyes and stretches her hands only to stop midway due to a stinging pain on her right wrist. From where she sits, she looks around and spots her father, Narayan, rummaging a cloth bag for something. Paints may be. Her mother, Sunita, is feeding her younger brothers at a distance. She has tied her hair tightly with a ribbon. They are getting ready for the day, she thinks. And now it is her turn to do the same.

She dusts her frock and walks towards the corner of the street to attend to her morning routine. As she quickly applies red and yellow paints on her face, she glances at what remains of an orange her mother received as alms last evening. Her stomach rumbles loudly but she turns away from it. Whatever little they get after a days effort is first served to her father and brothers. They are the ones who strike themselves with the hunter and do acrobatics for money. She is only skilled to play the drums and to join her brothers when they climb on each other and make a human tower. Her twin brothers Balu and Ramu are just a year and a half younger than her, but help her father make more money than he could have, alone.

Like every morning, Ami and her family step out with hunters, long wooden rods, a cylindrical drum and a smaller handheld twin faced drum that she gets to play. The smaller drum has a string attached to it that has a pebble tied at its end and she has to twist her wrist so that the pebble strikes either side of the drum. Over the years, she has learnt to match the rhythm of the smaller drum with that of the larger one that her mother plays. As her father and brothers hurl the hunter on their backs and do acrobatics in the streets of Suburban Mumbai, she joins her mother to attract attention by beating their drums loudly and begging for alms.

Like every morning, they pass through a local primary school and stop by the peanut seller, where Narayan buys a packet to keep with them through the day. Meanwhile Ami looks around at several kids walking towards the gate on the other side of the road. Some parents tug at their young ones who look displeased and hesitant to go towards it. They are not wearing white shirts and blue pants/ skirts like everyday, Ami notices. What she does not know is that the gate belongs to a school and it is celebrating its founder president’s birthday today. There are a variety of competitions and programs as a part of the same. Students dressed for a fancy dress competition as fairies, rajahs, political leaders, etc. tread towards the gate, some rehearsing their lines which shall soon be recited on the stage.

Amma, why do kids go to this place every morning?

Mmm. They learn their work here.

Like Balu, Ramu and I have learnt these tricks? Do they also learn tricks?

They learn how to deal with their lives, like you learnt from us.

Do they get these nice clothes from there?

No their Appa and Amma get it for them. They have a lot of money. And they also learnt their trade and tricks here.

Ami looks at her mother. She certainly did not go to this place. Otherwise she also would have had lots of money.

Where did you learn the tricks?

I learnt it from my Appa and Amma.

Does this place teach them better tricks?

Yes.

Then why don’t I go to this place, Amma. That way I can earn a lot of money and buy us all good clothes and food.

No, Ami. They take money to teach tricks. Your Appa doesn’t earn that much. So you’ll have to learn your tricks from us and teach your kids as well when you become a mother.

Ami gapes at her.

“Sunita!!!” She hears her father calling for her mother, who adjusts the drum hanging on her shoulder and walks towards him.

Ami innocently scratches her hair and stares wide mouthed at a beautiful costume of a girl standing near the shiny black gate to the school across the road. She’s wearing a bright green skirt with golden brocade work and a matching golden top with a patterned stole. The girl looks back at her. Intimidated, Ami glances at her own dress. She too is in her costume for the day. Red ribbons on her hair and a long pale pink dupatta draped on her to make her look like a little lady. Her arms and feet flaunt brown henna patterns of creepers and leaves, though it seems to have faded a bit. She too looks fancy enough. Not bad.

Ami deliberately takes a deep breath that makes her chest swell, and dons a proud smile. Amused, the girl giggles lightly and Ami’s smile fades seeing that. She makes a face and twists her drum violently. Alarmed, the girl quickly trots into the school, turning around just once to make sure she was safe. Ami breaks into peals of laughter and moves towards her family who have proceeded to start the days work.

What is this place called, Amma?

Its called a school.

“Schu??”

“School”

Her father and brothers start hurling their hunters and Narayan begins playing the drum. Then they slowly walk towards the street with a lot of yellow buildings, where they usually start their day from.

Ami stops midway and looks back at the shiny gates.

School, she repeats and smiles to herself, innocently.

K R O D H

2010-09-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

hmmmm... Title is set...let me decide the content of this heading.

so keep your eyes open.

I Dont Like..

2010-07-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here I go with my (inexhaustible?) list of things I don't like.

1. I don't like nerdy bookworms who seem to have an opinion about everything happening around.

2. I have never liked Physics. There is something about it that makes it very interesting to read, but damn difficult to score marks in the examination. Some things just don't happen to some people and Physics doesn't happen to me. Guess I am physic-ally handicapped.

3.I don't like to talk over the phone. Yeah, you heard me right. And when I am not in the right mood, I wouldn't even pick up the phone.Given my job where I am always talking and shouting, more of it seems an arduous job at the end of the day.

4.I don’t like to labor around in the kitchen, unless of course it is to chupke se gulp down all the sweets at night. Yeah I know I am past 24, and take that disgusted look off your face now.

5.I don’t like going out with my cousins:x Among them one is 5’10” and otheri s 6’. God, they make me seem like a Lilliputian.

6.I don't like non-veg foods ..called me completely veggie.I prefer roti to chawal.
By the way, How come most of the people consider prawn as a fish?? :O Come on, use your brains and your school level knowledge of Biology. Prawns are not fish. They are arthropods. Yeah, the group of animals with externally jointed appendages that includes our very own cockroaches, lice, ants, and mosquitoes.:P

7.I don’t like fussing over food. Yeh khaana hai, yeh nahi khaana. I shall eat whatever you give me. Please don’t ask me if I would prefer pineapple ice cream or black currant after dinner. If you can’t decide, I shall have both.

8.I don’t like people who smoke. I hate the stench of nicotine.

9.I don’t like the question, “Are you single?” How does it matter buddy? Are you planning to marry me?

10.I don’t like going to the doctor, even if for a routine checkup or a blood test. Those have been the times I have found myself in my most vulnerable and most helpless self.

11.I don’t like birthdays. It used to be fun when we were kids, being lionized all day at school. Now, it only reminds me that I am approaching my end. I know I sound like a 70 year old, but I have had this strange realization of late that there is so much to do in life, so many things to explore, and so little time.

12.I don’t like those four days of the month. Naah, you got me wrong. I am talking of the Sundays. Somehow they tend to be too dragging for me, with nothing much to do, no friends to meet up online, and usually no friends to go out with (one of the disadvantages of being single). Mom makes it a point to drag me to the kitchen or make me clean my room, and I hate both:(

13.I don’t like broken relationships. They are like shattered pieces of glass. Essentially there are 2 parties involved. And while the victor gets away with his (pyrrhic) victory, the victim is left to glean the shards of glass that prick you mercilessly every now and then.

=================================================================
Okay enough for today .:P

H O P E

2010-07-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

"Only Hope was left within her unbreakable house,

she remained under the lip of the jar, and did not fly away.

Before she could, Pandora replaced the lid of the jar.

This was the will of aegis-bearing Zeus the Cloudgatherer."

Hesiod's Works and Days

If it is testing my endurance, my faith, my hope, it doesn't know how persistent I am.... it doesn't know. If this is a war, defeat shall be thine. I vow.

2010-07-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Dil dhoondhtaa, hai phir wahi fursat Ke raat din
Baithe rahen tasawwur-e-Jaanaa kiye huye
Dil dhoondhtaa, hai phir wahi fursat ke raat din"

PS:I hate this stereotype life :(

Wake Up Call

2010-06-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Wake up…Yeah I am trying to liven up that insane writer in myself. Trying to play with words again. Words compliments writer and writer's existence depend on words and he can cease his silence within those words.
I think I have been silent for awhile now, longer than a while actually.

Sometimes the life-support does manage to coerce life into an otherwise comatose existence. Sometimes nerves fire up in an atrophied system, fingers twitch - first a little and then a bit more , finally getting up to do an unsure jig on a forgotten keyboard.

I have been left without stories in a city that spoilt me, always with choice, rather than paucity. I have been lazy, and I have been blind.
Now, I choose not to. Instead, I open my eyes.
Hoping that this isn't like one of those new year resolutions that I never take, knowing that they wont last. And that these rains will still inspire and seep into the dried mud of my mind, blooming into lines that carry some finite meaning.

End up with some lines of some track...

”Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."

Mixed Emotion:

2010-04-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

TIME is the most elastic thing. It maximizes when you wait for a loved one and minimizes when you are having good time with them.

Sometimes I wish there should be a rewind and pause button in life and sometimes I wish for a fast forward.

"Milte hain aur bicchad jate hain log.. phir bhi bahut yaad aate hain log, bhuli beesri yaadon se nikal kar kabhi muskaan bante hain.. to kabhi aankhon se chhalak jaate hain yeh log."

=========================================================

2010-02-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

Current Status!!

Blank...yep mind is blank ..everything is totally blank.

Mood...one of the worst of worst mood.

Schedule...Busy

2010-01-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

When things go wrong as they sometime will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, ad the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit;
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure, turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
If may be near when is seems afar,
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things go wrong that, you must not quit.

Aura of Dawn

2009-09-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

You could punctuate things yourself, put in the semicolons where time puts in the full stop. Full stop mean the end. Anything else atleast says that there is still time .A chapter closed perhaps but in the sentence that defines the two of you , the curtains haven’t been drawn yet. And who is to say it won’t be a long sentence. Because hope springs eternal. And who is to say it won’t be an abrupt ending .There is no one looking at the grammar now is there.

Yesterday might have been a full stop. It ended up being a comma. It started out with anger and accusation, but by the time the curve was drawn, things were alright again.

Stream of thoughts flow , ponder presence of conspicuous zone , stuffed harmony in life ,breeze into get the world rocking …aura of dawn come and do the magic again .:)